Notes On A Dream

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The alienating parent’s desire is to hurt the targeted parent. In sharing this particular dream, I am providing proof that it in fact worked. The alienation of my children hurts not only in my waking hours, but in my dreams as well.  It is with a degree of hesitance that I share this dream.  I can assure you, there are many more that I have not  shared.

I woke myself up yelling “No, no, no.” I was soaked in sweat. It was 3:30 am. Awake at that hour most days over the last year. On this particular day, I woke from an elaborate dream of encountering Gus in public places- a water park and a softball game.

The first thing I remember about the water park is that I saw AP and his family (parents, siblings, their children) on a water slide in an inner tube. I knew if he was there our daughters would be there, so I searched the crowd for their faces.

I was jostled out of the raft at the moment I realized I could possibly see my daughters.  I was in a raft on a river running below, floating downstream with others from the retreat.

I saw H., standing with her back turned. I called her name a few times before she turned around. H. finally turned around. I said, “Hi! Oh, you got a haircut! I like it.” She said “Thanks.” I realized I had to swim back to the raft before it was carried away by the current. AP looked at me from above with disgust.

I grabbed the raft and got in. We floated to our next destination, which was a party and an art therapy session of sorts. I was standing with group of girls who were Gus’s age. Gus walked by. I said “Hi,” but she ignored me. The girls from the retreat appeared confused. I said, “That’s my daughter, but she doesn’t like me very much.”

I walked back to the art therapy room. AP was in there, walking around a table. I finally said something to him. I told him I want to see Gus, why won’t you let me see Gus? He brushed me off. I cried. A stranger, a young man playing buckets, observed what had happpened. He said, “He is a terrible person for doing this to you.” I asked him for a hug. He hugged me. I thanked him.

I entered a room with a softball game beginning. I stood on the sideline. Gus showed up. Nearby, a few younger girls were being mean to each other. Then I noticed it was one girl being mean/rude/condescending, and the other two were mean in response. I asked Gus, “What do you see?”  She said, “One girl is being mean.”

The game commenced. I cheered. Gus went up to bat. I was concerned about knowing which team member was playing which position. I was amazed that they could catch a softball in gloves that looked like small puffy heart-shaped pot holders. Gus made it to third base. It felt good to be there during those few moments. Gus and I were cheering for the same team.

I went back to the waterslides with some of the church members. I saw H. on the way. She was throwing up. AP’s sister told me they had to leave because she was throwing up.

I left in tears, trying to find my car. I walked onto a movie set by accident. Kurt Russell was in the movie. When I saw him from a distance I thought he was Bon Jovi. I called, “Bon Jovi!” He ignored me.

I thought I was avoiding the set, but stunt actors began flipping around me and jumping down from the rafters of the parking garage, almost landing on me. I kept apologizing for ruining the movie. This went on for some time.

Somehow, I ran into AP again. He asked me for a ride. I agreed to give him a ride when I found my car. When he got in the car, his soft spoken words disarmed me – at first. But the words coming out of his mouth were aggressive.

AP said he finally has to get a restraining order against me because I won’t respect our daughter’s wishes to not see me. I yelled and wept. I told him to get out of the car. He told me that first he needs some of the craft supplies out of my trunk in order to help Gus with a school project. I said no. He said, “Why? You’re only hurting Gus.”

Then I watched him pack up the pink, purple and silver glitter paper and skeins of twine. He placed them into a bag and walked away. I curled up into a ball. Everything was dark except for white hot pain.

I woke up soaked in sweat, and definitely out of the raft.

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