Mother’s Day 2018

access black and white blur cage
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The sun is shining this morning. Birds twitter in the trees outside my window. It’s almost time for me to pick up H. I will try to focus on the positive things, but I know that Gus will not be standing there with her. This is the second Mother’s Day I have had no access to Gus.

H. won’t say anything about what she knows to be Gus’s plans for Mother’s Day, but I can say with certain reliability that it involves going to AP’s mother’s house (for the last twenty years). That is what we usually did.

Memories of last Mother’s Day flood into my head. It’s hard to suck in breath as the feeling of caving in takes over. Now, I don’t want to get out of bed. My body feels heavy, and I can’t hear the birds and the sun doesn’t shine as bright. Gus began “refusing” to see me, for any parenting time at all, a few weeks prior to last Mother’s Day.

When I arrived on Mother’s Day 2017, I wanted to spend the day with two daughters. It was probably foolish to hope that I would get to spend the day with Gus, but I still had foolish hope then. I didn’t fully understand what was happening.

AP stood in the doorway with his mother when I arrived to pick up H. and Gus. H. walked outside alone. She made a card for me and said “Happy Mother’s Day!” I said thank you, we hugged, and I said, “Why don’t you go say hi to Ozzie in the car? I’m going to talk to your dad for a minute.

I knocked on the door. I was accompanied by my childhood friend Tim. We drove in separate cars so that Gus might be more likely to go out with me, while he still wanted to accompany me to support me.

AP answered the door with his mother seated behind him. He said he had “another adult” in the house who would “call the police if necessary.” He informed me that Gus did not want to see me and had locked herself in her room and barricaded the door. He wasn’t going to make her go with me. What could be done with a sixteen year old? Did he want me to physically force her? He wasn’t going to do that. I never suggested I wanted her to be physically forced. We never used corporal punishment in disciplining either of our daughters, even when they were toddlers. Never one spanking. Why would he even imply I wished physical force of our sixteen year old daughter?

I said please tell her I want to talk to her.

He said, “Have you tried calling her?”

I said, “I’m here, it’s Mother’s Day. Please tell her I want to talk to her.”

He did not remove himself from the doorway.

Mother’s Day 2018. I cant wait for Monday.

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